Forgiveness

Friday, December 4, 2009

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another , if any man have quarrel against any, even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. ( Colossians 3:13)

( Note- This chapter is dedicated to my mother Carolyn )

I always believed that I had a clear understanding of what it is to forgive another person. I really believed that I had forgiven my mother for the physical and verbal abuse, I received at her hands as a child. But my own understanding, and my own actions contradicted each other, and told the truth about the real condition of my own heart.

Yes, my understanding was faulty, when it came to understanding forgiveness. Because deep inside me, were in counted, I still held a lot of pain. Pain which surfaced every time my mother opened her mouth to speak.

There came a time when I came to realized my mother was not a very nice person. Although she would have conversation with other people that showed me that she could be a nice and considerate person, she couldn’t fine it with in her to have any kind of descent conversation with her husband or children, including myself. When she made and endeavor to talk to us, she always talked to us with hate in her voice. She was verbal abusive towards her husband and children to the point that we couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her. And the last thing we wanted to do was have any kind of conversation with her.

To make matters worse, her attitude effected my own attitude. No, I didn’t resort to talking to her the same way she talk to me. On the contrary, I reacted by crawled in to a hole of low self-worth. I found myself wallowing in self-pity because my mother didn’t love me, and feeling anger with myself because I couldn’t find it with in myself to be the person that I thought she wanted me to be. My self-esteem was just fine, unless I had to listen to my mothers critical tongue.

I don’t think that there is a child born even today, that hasn’t been taught from an early age that we are never supposed to contradict our parents. Or try to change their behavior in any way shape or form. I was not exception to this rule, so I simple took my mothers abuse even as an adult, in silent acceptance, and never said a word of how much it hurt for her to talk down at me.

What I failed to realize was that my own behavior of silence and anger, was just as damaging to my low self-worth as my mothers nasty words. The truth of the matter was , that although I couldn’t change her attitude, I could change mine.

An invitation to forgive

Paul and I had made a decision to move back to west Texas, to care for my ailing parents, after they had confessed to us that they needed our help. Of course, the easies way to take care of them was for all of us to live under the same roof. If I had know what I was getting myself into, I would have told them that there was no way I was ever going to live with them. My mistake was believing that just because my mother had stopped drinking that her attitude had changed. It would not take me long to realize how wrong I was.

Living under the same roof with my parents became a living hell. First of all my parents couldn’t be in the same room together with out fighting. The only time they were not fighting was when they were in their separate rooms. You would have thought that since they were separate, the atmosphere in the house would have been calm. On the contrary, if they were not fighting they were pouting like small children. Although my father never took his animosity towards my mother out on me or my family, my mother did. She became more abusive towards me than when I was a child.

Since the well being of my Paul and my two children were very important to me, I found myself making ever endeavor to keep peace in the house for their sake. I did this by working hard to take care of each of my parents needs. I became their personal care taker and maid. Doing even the most basic things that they could have done themselves, if they had made any endeavor to do so. I didn’t realized, until I began to find myself stretched to the limited of my physical and emotional endurance, that I was being used by each on of them to prove a point. To prove which one was more physically challenged and unable to take care of themselves.

One night, after listening to my parents argue, and having to deal with my mothers abusive behavior all day, I fell apart. I walked out into the back yard, sat down on the picnic table and began to wallow in self-pity, as tears ran down my face. I cried out to God, wondering why had I allowed my parents to talk me into move in with them in the first place. I knew what kind of people they were, so the only excuse I could come up with was that I had a moment of stupidity. Or maybe I was just hoping that before my parents died, that they would tell me that they loved me.

God has this way of making us face the truth, whether we like it or not. And as I sat there on that picnic table wallowing in self-pity, with tears running down my face. I began to see my childhood as it really was. Up to that point in my life, I had failed to accept that my mothers actions towards me as abusive in any way. After all, no child wants to believe that their parents behavior is abusive. We want to believe that the betting’s we receive, the things that we were accused of that caused us so much pain, was for our own good. Even in the face of sexual abuse, most children are satisfied just to be loved. And even thought they know that what is being done to them is wrong, that it makes them feel uncomfortable, it is the only love they have ever known. Our need to be loved by our parents, often over rides our natural sense of right and wrong behavior. That is why so many children keep silent about that abuse they receive and the hands of their parents, no matter how bad it is. It was not easy for me to look at my past and accept that my mothers actions as abusive, or that the abuse I received as a child had never stopped. Yes, I realized that her behavior was unfair and uncalled for, but part of me believed that her behavior was justified. That her actions were right, and I was the one in the wrong. At least that was what I had come to believe as a child, and continued to believe as an adult. But the truth was her actions towards me as a child was nothing less than CHILD ABUSE! And as a adult, continued to be just as damaging to my self-esteem.

As painful as My childhood was, I had never allowed myself to feel the true pain of the abuse I received. As I said ; “ I had come to believe that my mother behavior was justified. After all I was a very bad girl, and deserved such harsh punishment.” But in one single moment of realization , that I had been abused, the dam broke and the tears began to fall. Year of pain flowed from me like a muddy river, first I raged at God for allowing me to go though such abuse, then I became anger at my Dad for allowing it to happen, and then I became angry at my mother for not being a loving mother.

As the pain subsided , I cried out to the Lord. “Okay, I was abused, I accept that ! Now what?“ In one peaceful move of the Holy Spirit , I began to see my mother in a different light. I saw my mother as she really was, a bitter, angry, resentful , and unhappy women. A women that had allowed her own pain and unhappiness to rule her behavior. A women that believed that the best way to keep herself from being hurt by others, was to hurt them first. It was that truth that gave be the ability to forgive her.

We are never as innocent as we believe My personal pain is not that unique! I am sure that you have felt your fare share of hurt feelings, of anger, and the total unfairness accusations that another person has laid upon your door step. I am sure you have felt your fare share of feeling of betrayal. But then we all muddle our way through a world where even well-meaning people hurt one another. The truth is, when you invest yourself in any kind of relationship, you open your hearts to the possibility that you will be wounded by another’s disloyalty, it is a fact of life.

There are some hurts that seem to roll off our backs like rain water. These we quickly ignore. Not every hurt stick to us like glue. But some pain holds on to us, remaining like a stubborn stain on the fabric of our memories. This kind of pain, often flows from our dead past into our present reality. A parents abuse, a spouse who leave us in cold, a friends betrayal. These hurts don’t heal so quickly, nor can they be healed by our own determination to let goof our pain. This kind of pain require God intervention, in order to bring healing to the soul, and set the heart free of the bitterness and resentment that it naturally feel. Forgiveness is God way of inviting us into His world. To see other people the way He does! As people worth forgiving. Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another , if any man have quarrel against any, even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. ( Colossians 3:13)

The truth is, we always feel like innocent lambs when we are hurt by another person unfamiliarly. I may have been maligned, betrayed, and in every other way abused, but being abused doesn’t make me the good person. Wronged person yes, but not the good person. We lose that right to be the innocent party the moment that we allow the hurt we feel to turn into anger, bitterness, and resentment. Our own actions, therefore, reduce the gap between us an whoever has done us wrong. After all ; “Two wrongs don’t make things right!” And the truth is, for forgiveness to be real and healing, it can not be toss down from a holy mountain, we most therefore descend in to the valley with those that have cause us pain.

The Bible tells us that; "When I was a child I spoke as a child, when I became an adult I put away childish things." It is natural for us as children to feel the pain of abuse and to react accordingly. Even as adults, it is natural for us to feel the pain of another person mistreatment of us. But as Adults, as children of God, we have a responsibility to deal with that pain constructively , or it will eat up our lives. Therefore, it is up to us to choose to walk the path of forgiveness. Or live out our lives in bondage to our own pain.

Gods love gave me back my self- respect

Gods unconditional love is the Power behind true forgiveness. Gods love is not some soft fuzzy sentiment that lets people get away with almost anything. Gods love does not require that we become rugs that people can simple walk upon as they see fit. God love forgives simple because His love is powerful. His love is powerful because it give us not only the ability to love others, but His love give us back our self-respect.

When you have self -respect, you begin to set limits to the abuse you are willing to accept from cruel and thoughtless people, even when those you love . You will not accept disloyalty from a friend you trust, or the betrayal of your spouse, or will you allow your children to treat you disrespectfully. Nor will you allow your parents to continue to treat you as a child, or in any other way that tares down your self-esteem. Such hurts go beyond the limits of what a person of self-respect will allow. As a result, I came to realize that I had to much respect for myself to allow my mother to continue to treat me as dirt under her feet.

I walked away from the picnic table a new person, a person filled with such love and forgiveness for my mother that my whole attitude changed towards her. I wouldn’t even begin to realize the full extent of that change until I found myself standing firm against her abuse. I simple told her to stop! I told her since I never talk to her that was, I deserved the same consideration from her.

To say my mother was shocked by my statement, would be an understatement. Up to the moment, she had never realized what she causing me any pain. Her attitude was one born of habit, one in which had been cultivated by years of alcoholism and living with a man she couldn’t love. Her actions were wrong, and they were abusive, but she never hated me. In fact, she told me that she loved me very much and she always had. This small step on both our parts, healed at of pain that both of us had carried with in us. All because of the power of forgiveness.

We are often blinded by our own pain, in the face of accusation and verbal abuse. We become so filled with anger , and bitterness, and unforgiveness that we don’t see God loving hand in our lives. We don’t recognize love when it is given to us openly and honestly. As a result, we live our lives empty and alone.

When we really open our hearts to love, Gods unconditional love, we begin to love ourselves and others with a sense of respect. LOVE respects people as human and allows them room to make mistakes and to learn from them. LOVE allows you to see yourself as lovable person. LOVE allows you to open up your heart enabling you to receive the LOVE your heart has always long to feel. LOVE is the power behind true forgiveness , because it makes you look within an examine the condition of your own heart.